There will not be any pics yet cos i havent uploaded any. Not to mention i have no mood and all the pics have no link to what im gonna post now. I have always wondered if i became a better person, no nonsense whatsoever, will my parents be loving once again? I have always thought the reason why my parents' relationship turned sour is beacause they are always arguing over me. But i guess tht is not the reason. OK, maybe i was partly the reason but not the main one.



Whatever my papa told me today spoiled my day and made me feel sad and sympathise with my him. It all started when i sat down to have dinner with him just now. He told me he was going to undergo a brain operation to adjust his nervous system cos his left ear could not fuction anymore which causes him to have sleepless night sometimes cos of the irritating "buzzing" sound. And i asked him what did the doctor say? Did they think it's a good idea to undergo this operation.Most importantly, will there be any danger? He told me "50-50".



WHAT'S THT SUPPOSE TO MEAN ?!! 50-50? i was worried. But papa made the decision and i respected it. So, i told him to let me know when is it and ill be there.



papa: dear, your mom wont care. Even if your mom and i bumped into one another in a shoppong mall, she wont acknowledge me.



And he told me so much for that one hour. The thing is my mom looks down on papa and everyone can see it even my friends! This is how obvious my mom shows it. My dad is a photographer and mommy is holding a sales director post and obviously my dad doesnt earn as much as my mom does.



Im angry! Im sad! Im so many negative feeling all mixed together. Why mommy? so what if papa doesnt earn as much as you? He is still providing for this family. Why did you have to say those harsh words to him and hurt him? My father is not young anymore in fact he is already 62.. and he told me "papa is just gonna sit and wait to die"



WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU?!?!?! I dont like it when you say this you know papa!!!!! I hate it! i hate it so much i wish i was not born to witness and feel tormented by all these!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will provide for the both of you in future I swear i will! The both of you only have me, im your only child! I will not throw the both of you one side so pls dont say those things anymore!!!!! I love the both of you so much !

This post is a little outdated cos the event was on last Sunday! muahahaha... We went to PG ( Pasir Gudang) for track day. Jon got 2nd! hahaha YOU LUCKY BASTARD! Met Yan inside to eat Bak Kut Teh then met Kenneth and co at PG =) They practiced for 2 hours cos the 5 laps race was at 4pm.

Anyhow, when we were there it was still the bike race and i saw Azri ( HKL racer), we chatted for awhile. He was asking me why wasnt i working in HKL anymore. hahahaha .. Well, i know there's a summary to every story but this is really a long long long one. So another day.

Jon was actually leading at the last 2nd lap but the water temp rose and he slowed down and end up 2nd. But i told he did a great job and i was proud of him. Well you gotta be happy with what you have right?
(Below are the video and pics of the race)

Ok.. anyhow, i finally watched TWILIGHT! thank yoooooooo YVONNE =) and thanks to you, i got addicted after watching it. I actually went to youtube to watch all the videos they had on TWILIGHT and almost went to POPULAR to get all 4 series of the storybooks. LOL but the addiction only lasted for like 20 mins? The movie BRUNO was boring. FUCK YO JJ! LOL He was the one who told me "The movie fucking dope la!" then i went around to look for the dvd and finally i got to watch it and it was such a disappointment! Plain boring...

These few weeks i have been really sick and busy so my blog hasnt been updated. But at least i took the time to update now! LOL .. This coming SAT is JJ's birthday and I cannot wait because because!!!!!!!! I'll get to meet POOVY, ANGEL and co and weirdly DEREK CHAN! hahahahahaha ok one thing common about JJ and I is we have loads of friends in common (excluding Jon's friends) and i mean A LOT!!! So, taking JJ's birthday as a chance of catching up with my friends too! LOL !

These past few weeks ive seen the changes in me =) good changes. Well ive become the old jocelyn once again. It was difficult gaining bck the confidence and ego. But one thing ive learnt and realised " Humans are probably the worst kind of breed around!". And i will live my life for me and no one else. Im happier this way and i will not give TEN FLYING FUCK what others might think. I will love the people who deserves to be loved and hell to those dickheads..this is how i think everyone should be cos there is no such thing as " HAO XIN YOU HAO BAO". (Good deeds will be repaid). FUCKING NO SUCH THING so stop having this mindset you will be just lying to yourself.

Phooyoo!!!! It's been DRAMA ... DRAMA and more DRAMAS .. these past few weeks! I am back with Jonathan and he has been really sweet but im worried things might change after some time again. Im not gonna blog about anything regarding these dramas cos IM UBER UBER TIRED!

I nnnnneeeeeddd a long long break! From everyone! People have been calling me to go here and there. Crying to me... Asking me for help. In the meantime, I HAVE MY OWN PROBLEMS LA DEY! It's not that i dont wanna lend my listening ear or anything, It's just that there will be this time in your life when you just wanna shaft yourself away from everyone! And this is the time for me.

I wanna go to Hawaii, lie on the beach looking at the coconut trees swaying while think of all the dramas going on in my life. I havent been so tired for a long long time. I remember the last time i felt like this was back in secondary school. When i decided to change for the better. LOL and so i told my mom that i wanted to be alone and i went to Tokyo and stayed in Tokyo Disneyland's Hotel for a week! LOL. I came back with a whole new me! But now, as i get older, the problems im facing are so much more complicated than before and not easy to deal with. There are more responsibles i have to deal with and i cannot just shaft myself away from the world. So i have to learn to face them and fucking deal with it! Not easy i tell you... Im losing all my ego and confidence all of a sudden. I need to gain them back quick cos i feel fucking pathetic now. I ve never been like that. "OI! give me an ego booster plox!" :)

Running away is definitely a very very good idea. It's like choosing the easy path. But come to think about it. It's easy for me to just run away like that, but as time goes by, the one suffering will be no one else but ME. So i've come to a decision to walk the tough path and know that at least ive tried. I have done my part as a girlfriend, friend and daughter. My previous post was full of agony, looking back, im wondering when have i become so pathetic? It's good to look back sometimes, cos tht is when u know u have made a mistake, reflect on it and WAKE UP!

Here's something about me. I ll hate someone so much but after some time ill just forgive that person cos life goes on right? Here's a toast and shoutout to everyone i ve used to hate! LOL

"I NO LONGER HATE YOU!!! LET'S BE FRIENDS AGAIN =) come talk to me!"

No matter what u guys might think im still gonna write. It will be so so emo which is not what u people normally see in my blog but this is just the right place to ease the pain so pardon me :)
I woke up in the morning feeling horrible, misearble and lost. I took my phone wanting to msg Jonathan to tell him i wake up alr and i realise we're not together anymore. Im missing him so badly, i went to the toilet after dazing into the sky for 5 mins. I lose control and cried, i couldnt take the agony and msged him "Baby im missing you so badly".

He didnt reply...

I went back to bed thinking of getting some sleep but my mind started to wonder around again. I took out my lappy and unknowingly went to the "Jon and I" picture folder. stupidly looking at our photos made me even more miserable so i called him. But things did not turn out right as expected. I cried so hard after he hung up. I kept telling myself what i normally tell my friends after a break up but apparently and obviously it's not working. Not having Jonathan in my life is a life not worth living for. But ah.... i wont do anything that will hurt myself. Fucking contradicting cos now I ve already bruised myself so badly by letting him go.

I miss the way he hugs me, the way he kisses me, the moments we will be in his room watching movie together, the way he kisses me goodye before going to work. The way he ll make me laugh so hard with his stupid actions. hahaha and wierdly, the way he likes to irritate me with his fart. 3 years and 5 months is not exactly long but there are loads of memories that will haunt me for the rest of my life. This is a great fall that is going to shake my life. I love this man so much. I need something to make me sleep i have bad bad insonmia now!!! I cant fall asleep. My mind keeps wondering around and i cant move on. Tell me to get a life! This is so pathetic i wanna talk to him!! I Wanna call him "dada"! I wanna hold him so tightly! I wanna spenf my weekends with him!!! BUT I CANT!!! i cant i cant i cant!!! I feel so useless! i cant do anything to get my love back. All i can do not is lie here typing this post when he's not even gonna read it!!!

It's only 11:30 am time is passing too slowly, every minute feels like 3 years. I wanna go Aussie to start a new life. Ill go have a talk with my mom later at night.

So much i hate posting emo stuffs.... recently, i just cannot help but type all these emo shit! I love happy posts, cos they are evidence of me being happy.



When i was in the plane on my way to Sydney the other day, I told myself i was gonna enjoy that whole week not caring anything that might happen in this SHIT HOLE (Singapore), and i did! I couldnt care less what was happening back here, whether or not Jonathan was betraying me once again. I was happy. It has been ages since i felt so carefree.



Once in the plane on my way back, 10 mins away to land.. I was hoping i was still in Sydney, I so did not wanna get off the plane. I have no idea why. I Dont wanna stay here anymore!! Coming back here is like putting myself back to the end of a cliff where i could fall off anytime again and the last fall was a hard one. I fell so hard, it was so painful i wished i could DIE! I DO NOT WANNA GO THROUGH THAT AGONY over again! It was too much that i could bear.



Why do they have to be so selfish? YES! I mean ALL the opposite sex of me! They are such dickheads. Im sorry to all the "hao hao xian shengs" (Good Good guys) LOL!!!! There are a few incidents that happened in my life this week. But in BLOGS you tend to only write 40% of what you reallly wanna say cos some are just too private. So i'll leave those out as usual.



The things that happened shattered the rest of the 10% trust i had for Jon to the ground. Seeing and witnessing those incidents really gave me more reasons to not wanna get married in future fearing same things might happen and by that time, it'll be too late.

My friend found out that her boyfriend cheated on her too!! And it happens to be Jonathan's friend?! Oh well! tell me should i laugh? or feel sad for her? I dont know what is in the heads of these fucking retards! Im full of hatred right now i could burn down their houses. It's a mistake for their mothers to have given birth to them seriously. They are so fucking selfish! TRY PUTTING YOURSELF IN OUR SHOES DICKHEADS! then ull know what the pain is like! but tht's not likely to happen.

Dear god,
Pls enlighten me! Tell me why is that they can be so selfish and betray us over and over again?

AMEN!

I have made so many mistakes before! But the biggest mistake was to fall in love with you JONATHAN! Giving you all my trust, love and time! How is it you're able to push me one side and not think about me at all? TELL ME!!!!!! Am i not good enough for you? ACTUALLY! i shouldnt ask myself this question cos i know for sure "YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! I KNOW I DESERVE BETTER!" But why is it so difficult to let you go! Could you do me a favour and like go "PHOO!" and disappear? I wish!
OG GOD!!!! so difficult! argh! FUCKING SHIT URE PUTTING ME THROUGH! Let it go soon please i beg!

:(